Feels Like Hope

Deep within lies a feeling.

A feeling that cannot be traced or determined, but it isn’t a good feeling. There’s no one to blame for what you feel.

Those momentary ‘point your finger’ blame games are just mere excuses to cover up for what you feel because you fear the reality.

Now when I say reality, it isn’t about the situation in your life, it’s more about facing your own reality, your own truth.

‘Discovering’, is often termed as something serene, but at times it can be surprising when you discover parts of yourself that you’re not proud of. Initially, you try to fight it and get rid of it. But you question if you can get rid of it?

Can you really get rid of it?

Let’s be real. It’s an on-going battle. You are in a battle with yourself in your own field.

You are surrounded by people of various kinds with the constant fear that they can see through you. Though it’s a saying, focus on only the positives, or be positive, but you know it’s easier said than done.

Sometimes, the most trivial things can be bothersome, that is, yet another excuse to cover up and not express what you truly feel. You look for anything and everything to point at, only to ignore this feeling that just won’t budge. So what do we do?

We distract ourselves.

You look for happiness, knowing, it can be found within yourself. After all, you are the only key to it. So you try, but you enter a phase. You keep telling yourself, it’s time to take my life into my hands, but all you really just want to do is sit and cry, you don’t feel like doing any of those things.

But people often misunderstand what you’re trying to express, you’re not upset or angry about the fact that your life isn’t being served on a silver tray, you’re upset because you aren’t moving, you don’t want to take the effort to make your life better and it all boils down to this feeling, which you have no idea as to what it is, but it is an unpleasant feeling that constantly knocks your door and sometimes, it just feels easier. Doesn’t it?

You think, eventually, it will go away but in reality, you’ll just suppress it. It’s painful. You’re overwhelmed, and in that moment, you end up pouring your feelings to people, but you’re afraid.

Why are you afraid? You ask?

It’s because you don’t want to listen to what they have to say.

Okay…But afraid of what?

Facing your reality, it’s something you know that you need to do, alone.

Isn’t it?

You feel like, you haven’t fallen yet, but you’re being pushed into a deep ditch, and if gone, it will be difficult to recover from this. You reach a state that will be present with you forever, and you will not be able to separate it from yourself.

And you pray with every fibre of your being, that you never reach there.

Then why are you unable to help yourself? Nothing gives you happiness, does it?

It’s dull. No, it’s a lot of feelings together that can’t be explained. You feel like you’re unable to look after yourself, it’s tough. And to be very honest, your circumstances don’t help, because you feel like you’re breathless.

To others, this may sound like this isn’t consequential compared to what they have seen in their own lives, and you agree, it’s merely anything in comparison, but it is harrowing for you. It’s all those painful things to you, and it upsets you when you see others dealing with or having dealt with worse things in life with such strength and courage, and you get knocked down by the smallest thing. It’s upsetting, and not what you expected of yourself.

Sometimes, you wish you could be a child again.

You hope to take care of it all. Emerge stronger, hopefully.

But all you can really do is hope.